| ALIEN LANDS IN SMITHFIELD! |
AFPI April 1, 1999
Smithfield, Ky.
Under the cover of darkness, in an
overcast sky, an extra terrestrial vehicle crashed into the rolling hills of a small
Kentucky community. |
|
"It
was pretty dang loud when it crashed!" said one local resident, "'Woke me right
outta bed. I told my wife to get my shotgun and call the Sheriff."
His neighbor, who was taking the
dog for a late walk, claims he saw it before it hit. "I looked up when I heard
this strange noise. I thought it was a weather balloon--you know, like Roswell.
FEMA and DES was immediately on the
scene, "We have the situation contained," said the coordinator. "We
drill and prepare for every contingent. Just last week we practiced our alien
invasion drill. We're always prepared," he added, with pride.
Media from all over the country are flocking to this beautiful little rural town.
One resident was overheard: "Oh Great! We finally get attention from the press, and
what is it for? Some bumpy, boney alien who doesn't deserve a drivers license!" |
 |
Not many have seen the stranded occupant of the
craft, only a handful of officials have been allowed near the quarantined E.T. But
we did receive similar descriptions and even a photograph from an unnamed source. |
"...his first
words were 'Political Asylum, and Monty Python'..." |
| A passing official was overheard
discussing the Alien in very friendly terms (naturally, since Henry Countians are so
friendly). "...his first words were 'Political Asylum, and Monty Python'.
Guess they receive a lot of TV on their planet." A linguist from the University of Kentucky arrived shortly
after the alien, affectionately dubbed, "WUMPUS," was moved to the Courthouse,
first passing the Eminence Dairy Queen. His escort from the local fire department
explained, "We thought he said D.Q." The linguist from U.K. said Wumpus's
language seems quite simple, and he appears to be familiar with many of our words.
She doesn't expect it to take long at all to translate between our languages. |
| "We're
gonna have to deport him..."
|
That will be a good thing since Wumpus may have to
appear in court very quickly! Immigration and Naturalization Service already has a
representative on the scene. "We're gonna have to deport him, he has no
passport, no papers, no records at all of immunization--it's for his...um...her own
good." An unnamed county attorney stepped
forward, and challenged the INS position. "He just got here!"
INS's representative maintained that Wumpus would be
deported as soon as they found out where he was from and how to get him back there.
The attorney has offered to represent Mr. Wumpus, pro
bono. "My client deserves a fair hearing, like any Henry County citizen." |
| Other reactions to Wumpus have also been
positive. Three women (and one man) have already volunteered to marry Wumpus so he
can stay in the U.S. One of the women says that she should have the first shot down
the alter since she already secured an advance on her book, tentatively titled, "I
Married an Alien: Life with Wumpus." |
| When asked if Wumpus would be charged with any
crime, law enforcement officials doubted that recourse. "We're sure that he
hasn't killed anyone and the damage to the Smithfield Post Office is minimal. We've
had a look at his currency and, trust me, he can pay for any repairs!" We asked if there had been any "tense moments." He
grinned and turned red. "Well, kinda.... When my partner and I showed up
Wumpus became very agitated and was flailing his arms. He shrieked, 'BARNEY!
Andy!' broke lose and threw his arms around us.--It was a little embarassing..." |
"I Married an
Alien: Life with Wumpus."
|
 |
CNN was asked when they
would release the amazing story to the world and a spokesperson said, "Not until we
have confirmation from the Pentagon. With so many hoaxes and this recent scare with
the MELISSA VIRUS, we don't want to needlessly panic the public." All is peaceful here, for the moment, until the world press
arrives. But until then Henry County will play host to their most famous new
citizen.
Have a FOOLISH day!
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